The Only Country

The Only Country – Yair Lapid:

(Completely lost in translation parts are left out)

This is the only country where a patriot is someone who buys an Israeli flag made by a Thai worker with cloth from Gaza from a Russian boy at a junction.

This is the only country where the government pays for private education, but free public education is funded by the parents.

This is the only country where the unemployed strike.

This is the only country where a cross-country highway ends before the middle, Ben Gurion 2000 is still closed in 2003 and importing water starts in the rainiest year.

This is the only country where sixty-year-olds still hate their bootcamp commander.

This is the only country where there are two ministers of treasury and both are broke, a 101 year-old Kabbalist starts a party, the prime minister can’t be minister of security by the decree of a government committee, the opposition forgot to run a candidate in the capital and Knesset members who chose the right to remain silent refuse to shut up.

This is the only country where the transportation ministry put a sign on the side of the road saying: “Cohens – take the left lane” and now all you have to do is hope the Cohens drive faster.

This is the only country where the corporal’s mother has the platoon commander’s mobile number and he better watch out.

This is the only country that has a communications satellite in space, yet no one lets you finish a sentence.

This is the only country where Iraqi missiles, Lebanese Katyushas, Gazan suicide bombers and Syrian shells have exploded, and still a 2-bedroom apartment costs more than in Paris.

This is the only country where porn stars are asked “What does your mother say?”, football players come to the field with their father so he can yell at the coach, and on Friday, going to the parents, everyone sits exactly in the same seat they had since they were five.

This is the only country where an Israeli meal consists of an Arab salad, a Romanian kebab, an Iraqi pita and Bavarian cream. Apparently we like eating anti-Semites.

This is the only country where the man with the unbuttoned shirt with a stain on it is the minister, and the man in the suit and tie is his driver.

This is the only country where the expression “I wasn’t bothering you”, means I want to bother you.

This is the only country where Muslims sell Christian memorabilia for bills with the Rambam’s face on.

This is the only country where you move out at 18 and still live at home at 24.

This is the only country where people who visit you for the first time ask “can I take this out of the fridge?”

This is the only country where no woman is on good terms with her mother, yet she still talks to her three times a day, two of those about you.

This is the only country where you can tell the security situation by the songs on the radio.

This is the only country where the rich are in the socialist left, the poor in the capitalist right and the middle class is paying for it all.

This is the only country where it’s a piece of cake to get a computer program that flies spaceships, but you have to wait a week to get your washing machine fixed. And only here, since we’re talking about, exists the time unit “I’ll be there between eleven and six”.

This is the only country where you ask the girl on the first date where she served in the army.

And the only country where it turns out she was more combat than you.

This is the only country where the happiest day of the year and the saddest day of the year are separated by exactly sixty seconds.

This is the only country where most people can’t explain why they live in it, but they have many reasons why they can’t live anywhere else.

This is the only country where if you hate politicians, hate clerks, hate the situation, hate the taxes, hate the quality of service and hate the weather, it means you love it.

This is the only country I could live in.

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